Failure...

I have always had this underlying feeling of being a failure as a mother.  Now Brianna is already almost out the door, getting ready to move on in her life and it's been difficult to say the least.  Brianna has been with me and been a part of my entire adult life and a little over a year from now she is going to be off on her own chasing her own dreams.  This just makes me feel even more of a failure because I feel like there isn't much I can do about her childhood at this point and there are so many things I failed to do as a mother to prepare her for the Big, Wide World out there.  I also feel like there are so many areas where, because of my own unhappiness and frustration, I have taught her the wrong way to think and feel about things.  For example, based on my own experience, over the years I have made comments that men are all the same, out for themselves.  That no matter how perfect they may seem they will hurt and betray you someday.  Every man I have ever had in my life has (and no it hasn't been a lot!), but it was not fair of me to put that opinion on her by making those comments nor was it fair of me to verify those statements by pointing it out when it happened.  Now I know this sounds really bad and you can judge me all you want, but at least I have the courage to admit it to the world, because it's something I acknowledge as being wrong and it's something that I want to change so that Keira doesn't end up with the same perception about men.  I am sure there has got to be at least one man out there that won't do that! ( ;o) yes I am just kidding!)   


Let me get back to where I started, losing Brianna to her BIG life has really gotten me thinking about what I wish that I would have done for her as a mother.  While I can't change what I have done as a mother in her life, I can do something about what I choose from this day forward with her as well as with Parker and Keira.  I left my job so that I could be a stay at home mom and be what they need.  Now I know that some people don't agree with or support that decision and I am really sorry that they feel the need to put their personal opinions and judgments on me without walking in my shoes.  I feel sorry that they feel like they know what the right decision is for me and my family more than I do and also that they feel the need to focus trying to change someone else's life rather than their own.  I know my children need me now more than ever.  I know that part of the reason they need me more is because I had decided to take a job outside my home that had me working 50-70 hours a week...every week taking away all of the time that I should have spent nurturing them.  I took and kept this job because I thought providing them with all of the material things they wanted (laptops, cell phones, toys, ipods, etc), being able to go out to dinner or participating in all of the extracurricular activities they wanted was more important than me being home for them teaching them to be caring, loving, confident, courageous, responsible and positive changers of the world.  Boy was I wrong!  This is something that I feel a lot of guilt about and is something that I will need to work on getting past because, well, quite frankly it eats away at me every day keeping me down and has also molded who they are as people.  


I have been home since December 1, 2011 and I have come to realize that I never really knew what being a stay-at-home mom meant.  I thought it meant that I needed to always keep up with the laundry and dishes

and make sure the house is spotless; that I needed to cater to their every needs always having a healthy snack ready for them and activities for them to do.  But you know what I realized?  That's not really what being a good mom is to me either.  So, working my butt off so they can have everything they want is not what it means to be a good mom; being their maid and catering to their every need is not what I want them to remember me for...then what is?

What do I want my kids to remember most about me when I pass?  It's not that I did their laundry and put it away neatly; and it's not that the house was always clean.  If there is one thing that I want them to think of it's that I was always there for them to support them and encourage them in everything they have chosen to do in and with their lives.  I want them to know that no matter what decisions they make that I would never leave them hanging without a support.  That even though I might not have chosen that decision for them that I would never put that pressure on them and make them feel any less than perfect just because they chose something different.    


But what else?  What exactly do I want to mean to them?  What do I want to have done for them and their lives?  Once I identify that I want to write it down for a reminder and I want to focus my energy on being just that.  Once I have become that person then I can move onto other things.  I will always have that nagging feeling of being a failure as a mother unless I do something about it.  I can't just quit them and be done like I have done with so many other things when I have felt like a failure.  I will feel even more guilty and even more of a failure but even more my children will have missed out on the amazingly beautiful, loving & supportive mother that I know I can be!  


No matter how successful I am with business or personal goals that will always weigh me down, so this needs to be one of my #1 priorities.  I know I could be better.  I know I want to be better and different than I have chosen to be.  For some reason, well...for fear of failure and probably for fear of success, I stop myself.  I don't do things I want to do.  I do things I don't want to.  I do as little as I can to get by and I don't want to "coast by" with that part of my life anymore.  Time to step and be the best mother to my children that I can possibly be.  If I am a failure at everything else in life, but am extremely successful at this one thing, my life will be complete.  I will feel content with what I have accomplished.



Take care and remember...
Change doesn't come from the sky.  It comes from human action.
~The Dalai Lama
*hugs,
Mel


P.S. Don't be afraid to leave me comments below!  I would love your support in this challenging journey.  Just make sure to keep it positive please.  Thanks!